Happy care giver attachments day....

Today as I scroll down my Facebook feed, I'm inundated with photos of my friends and their fathers, or their children and their daddies. It's a lovely sight, although it tinges me with sadness and jealousy - I lost my Dad when I was 11, but in those 11 years he was pretty much the perfect ideal of a Dad and exactly what I would want my hypothetical children to have for their hypothetical father (note - I'm not having children). 

My Dad was kind, funny, silly, gentle. He was a proper "manly man" with a love for fixing things, motorbikes, cars, cooking up a BBQ, and carrying me high on his shoulders. I was most certainly a "Daddy's little princess" and spoilt with his time, love, and happiness. 

It pains me to realise that my Dad has missed, and indeed will miss, important milestones in my life: passing my driving test, grilling over my boyfriends, graduation (x2!), birthdays, marriage, first dog...

It actually breaks my heart when I think of the wedding day that I have always dreamed of (which girl hasn't!) and know that it would be one of the most difficult and hurt filled days because my Dad will never be there to walk me down the aisle. 

Missing out on my Dad in my teenage and young adult years was tough, and whilst no one can replace him or fill that hole in my heart, there have been some amazing people in my life who have made me feel loved and special, and who have celebrated those milestones with me. These are my attachment figures whom I am dedicating Father's Day to each year. 

When we are born, we build attachments with the key care givers in our lives - usually Mum is the main attachment figure that a child has. This is related to the child recognising and learning that this figure will provide comfort for them - there was an experiment with monkeys in the 1950s where the monkeys attached themselves to fake mothers (machines) that provided food for them. There are numerous experiments that show different types of attachment that children have, some positive, some ambivalent, some poor. The underlying key to a positive attachment is that the person provides care and that the child learns that and can be soothed by that person. Attachment behaviours are where a person attains or maintains proximity to another identified individual, whom they perceive as being better able to cope with the world and therefore becomes their secure base.

There are many theories related to attachment and social bonds; attachment can be considered as an affectional bond, which is not synonymous with a relationship as relationships are seen as more transitory and bonds are characteristic of a person and linked to their internal organisation. There is an argument that professionals can be seen as attachment figures, and Ainsworth describes these as emerging attachments - they may become consolidated however in a professional context, the relationship may be of short duration so the young person may not fully attach - although if someone spends significant amount of time in a care giving context with a child they may become their main attachment figure - for the bond is formed through care giving. 

With this in mind, I am very fortunate to have a number of care givers in my life who have helped me through very difficult times and have been there celebrating the highs with me along the way. Some of these people come and go in life, but there are a few who remain as constant people, who you spend a large amount of time with or a small amount of time - it doesn't matter all that matters is that they care. One example in my mind is someone who I have known for nearly 6 years, who treats me with kindness and thoughtfulness - spending time with me when I need it, offering careers advice, sending reminders and congratulations when I do something well,  the kind of person who just cares about me and makes me feel loved, valued, and unique. These are the ones you should hold on to. 

It massively sucks not having my actual Dad here every Father's Day, but I am so truly blessed to have so many other people watching out for me and looking over me. People wonder why I do the work I do, particularly after very difficult days, and why I get so stressed and worried about my young people - well it's because I care. Some young people unfortunately do not have caring adults in their lives, and for those individuals if I can be the person that cares about them and enables them to feel wanted and special, then surely I have done my job right. It costs nothing to ask someone how their day has been, or to share your lunch with someone. It takes nothing but time to listen to someone, to potentially change their outlook on themself and their life. 

You may not feel important to the world, but to one person you could be their world - you could be their secure base. 

Hold on to that, it's a real privilege to be that person.