Some of you will be aware of my Christian beliefs, and my faith in God. I don't like to say "I'm religious" because for me, the word "religion" doesn't sum up quite how I feel. I understand my belief in God to be a relationship with him, and all relationships involve dialogue and time invested into them to make them work, and faith and trust in the other person. As someone who has studied relationships and Hegel in depth I could go on to bore you about mutuality and the Master/Slave, but this is a blog about Christmas so I will save that for another day.
One thing about my relationship with God is that I don't always put as much time into it as I should, which I am ashamed of. Yet a positive thing is that I always come back, like at your birthday when you can always rely on that friend who you might not see that often, but will always be there with a cake for you (Naomi!), well for me that's what I am like with church, I always gravitate back to church at Christmas. My church is St Johns in Fareham, carefully chosen for me by a friend, and one that I have been going to for 6 years (wow, didn't realise it was that long!). This is the church where I met some of the most wonderful people in the world with the dearest hearts and kindest words. If you ever needed to feel loved, this is the place to be. This church helped me through my really bad times, and sailed me through my good times. So to me, it's like home.
On Sunday, I went to the usual "carols by candlelight" service, because I love seeing the church lit up with candles and full of people. This service was focused around the voices of Christmas, and the readings were the voices of the people involved in Jesus' life - Mary, Joseph, Herod, John the Baptist...but for me, one voice stood out, the shepherds.
The shepherds, that group of men who sat on the fields and the hills watching over a bunch of sheep, in the freezing cold. We have all heard the story of the lost lamb, and the shepherd who goes to find the lamb and brings him back to safety, thats the job of the shepherd - to herd the sheep, and to look after them. The shepherds are not the glamorous people who are blessed with money, or saintly people with halos and wings, or mothering people with a new baby. Shepherds are the overworked, underpaid, and often forgotten people. The shepherds are so often overlooked, and yet Gabriel came to the shepherds first out of everyone, and told them about the new arrival over in Bethlehem, and invited them to go and visit the new baby Jesus. Remarkable.
It makes you wonder why he even bothered to go to the Shepherds, because I wonder if they would have even been missed if they were not a part of the story? The wise men brought gifts, Mary had the baby, the innkeeper gave the barn...but what is the purpose of the shepherds in the story? There must be a good reason for hundreds of children (and adults!) to dress up in dressing gowns with tea towels on their heads each year, carrying a Shaun the sheep toy...??
If I were to choose one of the nativity characters to relate to, it would be these guys. I think of Christmas, and the parts that everyone plays. I'm not a Mary, never been good with babies or mess. Definitely not a Joseph, not quite got the beard yet. Wise man - except I lack common sense. Angel? (Now we are just being silly!). Shepherd - looks after their flock - yea. That's me. The keeper of the flock. I think of my own Christmases, and what my role is, which is generally looking after people and caring for them. My own flock of young people is more like herding cats than sheep at times, but my job as the shepherd is to let them wander and to remain there to protect and guard them. I count them in at night and count them out in the morning. I call them each by name and know their tricks and habits. I would defend them to the end. They are my flock and it is my job to give them the food, water, and shelter that they need to feel loved and warm. Whilst the Mary's of this world will be pandering over their own children this Christmas, my role is as a shepherd of the world to care for others whom I have no biological bond to. The wise men of the world will be bringing expensive gifts to give to babies, and the angels will be singing in the choirs at church. I'll be sending a text to see if my flock are having a good day. Because that's who I am, that's my role at the moment, to shepherd.
So why were the shepherds in the story? Well, I bet that the bit that the Christmas story misses out is the bit where the shepherds are making tea for everyone and getting enough blankets and food, and looking after the animals so they didn't wake up the baby. The shepherds run around in the background keeping the world in equilibrium and making sure people are happy. Every walk of life needs a shepherd, and everyone will probably know a shepherd - the person who looks after the flock. Maybe you are the shepherd, who knows?
One thing I have realised this Christmas is that I might not be an angel, but without the shepherds like me the Christmas story wouldn't be the Christmas story. We all have our part to play, and it is our job to play it to the best of our ability - so remember the Christmas story as you celebrate today, and remember to take the light of the star that guided the shepherds and wise men to the stable, and use it to shine on your daily lives and work.
Happy Christmas, God bless.
Monday 24 December 2012
Thursday 13 December 2012
Acceptance
Knowing that there are followers and people who read my blog, I am going to carefully choose some words for this thought provoking blog.
When you are a child, you look at the world through children's eyes, but now I am an adult I thought I would look at the world through adult eyes, however as I reflect back there are some things that can transform me back into being an 11 year old.
When I was 11, a major thing happened in my life, not like the normal 11yr old thing where you go to secondary school, but more the traumatising situation of losing a parent. That event happened 13 years ago today, and yet I can remember absolutely every detail like it was yesterday, I assume that this is one of the moments in life which you never forget.
I won't go into the detail, because I don't feel this is the appropriate forum to do so, but believe me, there are some things that any child should never have to experience and this is one of those. There are however small things that trigger memories, things that remind you of silly things and things that remind you of the person you loved and lost. One of the silliest and most notable for me is the Christmas lights that go up every year at the place where my Dad worked, he was some kind of electrician/worked for the MOD/not entirely sure, but one thing he did do was set Rudolph's red nose to flash, and since he has been gone it has not flashed again.
Anyway, this blog is not a self pity blog, but more of a statement of things getting better. Of course I will always miss my Daddy, and it hurts that he has missed out on so much of my life - graduation, boyfriends, scouts. However, the final stage of the grieving process is acceptance, and I have accepted that no amount of wishing will ever bring him back. But my wishing must have done something, all those shooting stars and birthday candles must have worked. All the saved up wishes when all I wanted was my Dad to be back with us, I eventually got something else. Not a replacement and not a new Dad. No one can replace the bond that a little girl has with her Daddy, especially not mine. Rather more I was blessed with strong family relationships with my granddad and my brother, as well as a very strong and special lady who has to play Mum and Dad all the time, she's really awesome. (Love you Mummy!)
Another blessing is the band of merry men who have affectionately become known as "Fi's adopted Dad's". What a truly special and wonderful thing, that I have been able to get to know some people who between them could easily run the world, and certainly hold a lot of knowledge. Some wonderful men who I believe genuinely care about me and always make the effort to spend time with me, be it 20 mins in a Starbucks in Soho, or sharing a train journey home, and sometimes even having dinner in a nice restaurant. How lucky I am to have been able to have found these wise men, (very apt at Christmas) who offer me all the things I need in just the right proportions: friendship, advice, careers guidance, relationship counselling, travel advice, laughter, hugs, and compassion. Not everyone in the world has the wonderful fortune of being able to have a team of fathers, and I feel very blessed I have these people in my life. It feels like the wishing was worth it, my prayers were heard, and my Daddy has found these people to look after me on earth, but he did always get me great presents :)
Look back and remember always those you loved and have lost, but don't forget to look up and to the future, and keep wishing because it might just come true one day.
God bless.
When you are a child, you look at the world through children's eyes, but now I am an adult I thought I would look at the world through adult eyes, however as I reflect back there are some things that can transform me back into being an 11 year old.
When I was 11, a major thing happened in my life, not like the normal 11yr old thing where you go to secondary school, but more the traumatising situation of losing a parent. That event happened 13 years ago today, and yet I can remember absolutely every detail like it was yesterday, I assume that this is one of the moments in life which you never forget.
I won't go into the detail, because I don't feel this is the appropriate forum to do so, but believe me, there are some things that any child should never have to experience and this is one of those. There are however small things that trigger memories, things that remind you of silly things and things that remind you of the person you loved and lost. One of the silliest and most notable for me is the Christmas lights that go up every year at the place where my Dad worked, he was some kind of electrician/worked for the MOD/not entirely sure, but one thing he did do was set Rudolph's red nose to flash, and since he has been gone it has not flashed again.
Anyway, this blog is not a self pity blog, but more of a statement of things getting better. Of course I will always miss my Daddy, and it hurts that he has missed out on so much of my life - graduation, boyfriends, scouts. However, the final stage of the grieving process is acceptance, and I have accepted that no amount of wishing will ever bring him back. But my wishing must have done something, all those shooting stars and birthday candles must have worked. All the saved up wishes when all I wanted was my Dad to be back with us, I eventually got something else. Not a replacement and not a new Dad. No one can replace the bond that a little girl has with her Daddy, especially not mine. Rather more I was blessed with strong family relationships with my granddad and my brother, as well as a very strong and special lady who has to play Mum and Dad all the time, she's really awesome. (Love you Mummy!)
Another blessing is the band of merry men who have affectionately become known as "Fi's adopted Dad's". What a truly special and wonderful thing, that I have been able to get to know some people who between them could easily run the world, and certainly hold a lot of knowledge. Some wonderful men who I believe genuinely care about me and always make the effort to spend time with me, be it 20 mins in a Starbucks in Soho, or sharing a train journey home, and sometimes even having dinner in a nice restaurant. How lucky I am to have been able to have found these wise men, (very apt at Christmas) who offer me all the things I need in just the right proportions: friendship, advice, careers guidance, relationship counselling, travel advice, laughter, hugs, and compassion. Not everyone in the world has the wonderful fortune of being able to have a team of fathers, and I feel very blessed I have these people in my life. It feels like the wishing was worth it, my prayers were heard, and my Daddy has found these people to look after me on earth, but he did always get me great presents :)
Look back and remember always those you loved and have lost, but don't forget to look up and to the future, and keep wishing because it might just come true one day.
God bless.
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