I first came across this word in the country that changed my life: Brazil. It was here that I made some of the best relationships I have, with people from across the globe.
Saudades was once described as the love that remains after someone is gone. It's that aching, longing, deep sadness that sits in your stomach for weeks, months, years. It's that feeling that you think you crushed, but has secretly been lurking inside of you waiting for a trigger.
Today I caught the scent of someone's aftershave, and that was that. I went back to that place, with that person, and then had this deep pang of despair as it clicked that they were gone.
That's the problem isn't it, people can do that to you.
But we need people.
Something that has been whirring through my mind today, is that I need someone. Not someone, because I'm desperately seeking love, quite the contrary I have come round to the idea that being a single person is a much easier life, but I need someone to listen to me. Everyone does.
We all have good days and bad days, and go home to our loved ones and rant about what's gone wrong, who offer sympathy, support, and reassurance.
I had a brief text conversation with someone earlier, seeking reassurance, and all I got was a cold hearted response, telling me to sort it out. Not the kind of nurture and care that I give to people, therefore not the kind I appreciate in return. But who is there for single people to turn to, I mean, I'm fairly limited on people I can just go and visit and cry to, drinking copious amounts of tea. That's not because I don't have good friends, because trust me, I do. It's because they are busy getting on with life, and it's just not the same is it - maybe I miss that intense social relationship that I had with ex partners who might have nursed my emotional state at times like this.
Allegedly it is better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all. But if you don't know what you're missing, then you don't have the hurt? I'm not one for many relationships, I can count all my exes on 1 hand. The reason for this is because I don't cope well with the pain, the saudades that is left when inevitably things do not work out, and I get that phone call "we need to talk" (or worse).
Someone told me yesterday that being single was awful, but it's not all bad. Ok I don't have anyone to pour my heart out to, or to snuggle into whilst I sob, or to wrap myself up in. But I do have independence. I am powered under my own steam. If I screw up, it's only me involved.
But independance isn't a substitute for human contact and care. On Saturday I didn't speak to anyone between 9am and 8pm. For someone who thrives on attention and socialising, this was not a good day for me. I've got a lot of stored up grief that I'm carrying around, and I need desperately to offload it - but there's no one there, and when there's no one there, what can you do?
So in my vulnerable state, when I caught this smell earlier, all I wanted to do was fall into this persons arms and cry. There was this deep feeling of being broken, and wanting to be hugged back together to make everything ok. (I didn't, for the record I pumped the music up loud in the car, and drove off with tears rolling down my cheeks).
But it's not like that in real life. People walk in, and people walk out. You rarely get a say on what happens, but have to deal with the aftermath yourself.
This is true across all relationships, family members, work colleagues, partners, children. People come and go. And it hurts. A lot. Especially when you catch a memory that makes you remember that person, and how it left you feeling.
The thing is, people remember the way you leave them feeling. They might not remember the words you used or the way you looked, but they remember the emotions attached to that moment or that person.
When someone catches a whiff of your perfume (dolce and gabanna por femme- for any of my admirers that want to buy me some more), how do you want that person to feel? Loved? Cherished? Cared for? Saudades?
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