Mind over Matter

So, today I looked in the mirror for the first time in a long time, and thought that I looked ok. 

Maybe not ok, maybe more than ok. 

Strong.

I started running on the 1st November 2015. I used to run a year before, but it only lasted a couple of months. I'm nine months in now. I run a lot. 

I only started running to avoid a meltdown. I needed to burn off the negative energy and deep sadness before it engulfed me; before I fell into the trap again. 

People always say that exercise is good for emotional wellbeing. I've wondered though, for someone who can't get out of bed, how on earth would they get out to exercise. I believe now that the trick is to beat the black dog before it gets to that point. 

Staying motivated is tough. Really tough. I run 5 times a week. It might not be marathons but it's always at least 25 minutes - that's the starting goal, anything above that is a gift. 

One of my inspirations and guiding lights, is a good friend who is basically superhuman. He's faced adversity head on, and told it to "do one". He's always been very supportive of me, telling me that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it.

That's the trick isn't it - putting your mind to it. The body will achieve remarkable things, but only if the mind allows it to do so. I hated PE at school because I believed I was bad at it. This time last year my three things I couldn't live without were my black patent stilettos, my phone, and my little black dress. Now it's a different story - I'm rarely seen without my Fitbit on, I've got my trusty 1l water bottle in hand, and my running shoes are always with me. 

Funny how you can change your mind on things. 

I cycled to my brothers last week, well, cycled approx 50 miles. When I got off the boat, I wasn't sure myself that I would be able to do it. I kept putting obstacles in the way - it's too hot, too far, I'm not fit enough, my bags are too heavy... But my mind kept focused on the target. My mantra, entrusted by my dear friend, "just keep going forward". It doesn't matter how slow you are, as long as you keep going. 

Since being in France, I've cycled over 100 miles. I've been trying to distract myself; to forget about things. There's been some trauma recently and it needs to be unpacked. It's hard to forget things that hurt you, situations that challenge you, and people who move you. Sometimes, life can be really mentally tough and draining. That's when you need to use that energy for something else. I'm well known to embark on art projects when I'm not feeling my best; but now I have my other secret weapons - the bike and the running shoes. 

Motivation is the key. There's a saying that if you do something for a certain period of time, it becomes habit. But trust me, no matter how long you run for, it's still a struggle to put on those shoes after a day when everything has gone wrong, you crawl in from work at 9:30pm, it's dark and it's raining. That's when the motivation needs to kick in. 

My motivation has changed over time, the main goal is to avoid emotional disaster. However, alongside that has been: proving a point to a disbeliever, raising money for charity, wanting to beat my personal best, racking up the Parkrun total, and trying to work out what that extra something is. There are so many things that can motivate a person, the important thing is to grab hold of that glimpse of motivation - it may only last 5 seconds - but use those moments to your advantage. 

Go out there and get what you want. 

Life is too short to waste on "should I or shouldn't I" - the time you spend pondering is wasted time - make a decision, seize the moment and take responsibility for your life. 

Empower your mind to take control. 

Your mind is your greatest asset, and your worst enemy. 

Who are you going to let win? 

Look how they shine for you

Look up. Look at the stars. 

When I was a kid, I believed that those I lost went to the sky and became stars. The stars have always been a sort of "guiding light" and held a comfort for me. 

The stars are romantic, they are timeless and infinite; a certainty in life that there will be stars. 

Stars shine every night, and I take comfort that somewhere in the world, someone else I know is probably looking at the stars the same as me. 

Something that amazes me about stars is their power - they shine continually, and if one dies, a new star appears.

I was bought a star, so somewhere in the galaxy is my star with my name. I own a small piece of the night sky. 

I used to be scared of the dark, but now I feel calmed looking up into the deep black oblivion. 

Stars have been one of my favourite things for years, and I shared my stars with someone else. Staring at the sky, and catching a glimpse of some shooting stars - making a wish. 

That wish didn't come true, in fact it backfired. 

I saw a shooting star two days ago, and made the exact same wish. Not because I'm a fool, but because even if once your wish doesn't come true, that is no reason to give up. Sometimes things don't go the way you plan first time around, but you shouldn't let that dampen your fire. 

Stars don't shine without darkness. 

We all need a little darkness so that the light shines brighter, and so that you can see the value and beauty of it when it does. 

Darkness isn't always a curse, sometimes it is a time of self discovery and reflection, to help you find your passion and reach for it once more. You mustn't let darkness engulf you, quite the contrary you should wander in it awhile and search for the light. 

Just because my wish didn't come true last time, doesn't mean it won't ever. It's no good giving up on your wishes because then they have no hope. 

I'm a romantic, and like poetry and philosophy, because feelings are real and meaningful. 

You should never be afraid to look up, for a while I stopped looking at the stars because it hurt too much, but the first time I stopped and stared, I caught a glimpse of what could be, and how beautiful this universe really is; vast and glittering. 

Don't ever be scared. 

Look up. 

Make a wish. 

Don't stop looking up. 

Get down from your tower

Beauty and the Beast is my favourite Disney movie, I guess I relate to it - nerdy, rather plain brunette has the leading role, meets a brute of an animal and converts him to love, before uncovering that he is actually a handsome, charming prince. 

As a young woman, it's kinda natural to always be dreaming about meeting Prince Charming and what your perfect wedding would be like. It's ingrained into you from the tender toddler years, where you're brought up on Disney princess movies - the helpless princess waits around for the handsome prince to come and sort her life out. 

If I had a pound for every time one of my relatives, or friends asked me when I was going to "settle down and get married", I would have moved to Australia by now and married a hot surfer. But seriously, why is there such a huge demand for young women to be married - or even to be driven into being in a relationship? I've had no end of people telling me that "you'll meet the right one when you least expect it" - I haven't been expecting it for years and no one has swept in wearing shiny armour... A couple of muppets in tinfoil maybe... 😉

But why do people feel the need to comfort me on being single - I didn't realise it was such a hardship - being able to go out when you want, see who you want, spend what you want. Actually, I've got a sweet deal. Ok so I might never get valentines cards, a wedding, or flowers sent to my work - but does everyone need that?

 It's like the children argument, people are persistent with about "when you meet the right one you will change your mind" - actually, I won't. I know I won't. So, stop trying to tell me otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I'm not heartless and a child hater, quite the contrary - I see myself as an auntie to the world, and I cannot wait to have children around, just not in the conventional way. The children I plan to have in my life are the ones who I know I can make a huge difference to, the ones who need my skills most. That would be a real privilege. 

The older I get, the more I see my friends getting married and settling down, and the more I get quizzed about my personal circumstances. Just because the dominant discourse is to follow a certain route, doesn't mean that path is for everyone. In fact, I would much rather take a machete and make my own path than follow blindly the trail before me just because I felt I should. 

I've been naively waiting around in my tower for a knight in shining armour to come along and save me, so that I can live out my days with Prince Charming. But life isn't like that.

Life shouldn't be like that. 

Young women everywhere need to be empowered to believe that they can make it in this world without following what society is trying to dictate they should do. Young women need role models of strong females who have made it alone. Girls don't need guys to come along and save them, it's not the 1950s and women don't just exist to cook dinner for their man and produce children. 

Victoria Pendleton is my favourite athlete, and she never relied on a man to win her races, she won through hard work and determination. 

Yes I'm very happy for all my friends who are in healthy relationships and happy with children etc, but for those independent women out there - don't feel pressured to follow the crowd. You are your own person, and you do not need to have a man to qualify who you are. 

Mutuality doesn't exist, there is always a broken middle and you don't have to do what everyone else thinks you should. Be more like Antigone, less like Sleeping Beauty. 

Everyone else - stop pressurising women to fall into a routine - let them live out their dreams. 

Princess, get down from your tower, and be the queen you were meant to be.