Present, not presents

So, I'm the first to admit I hate Christmas. Nothing to do with the actual holiday itself, but it's not a good time of year for me - unfortunately my dear Dad passed away during December 1999, and since then the holiday season has always been hard for me. So when someone asks "what would you like for Christmas?", the truth is, I want one more day with my Dad. But I know I can't have that.

As I've got older, I've become much less materialistic - I don't really own much and certainly nothing of monetary value. My top three possessions are my Fitbit, my water bottle, and my ancient phone full of photographs. I don't have a flashy car or the latest iPhone, I don't own a decent camera, and to be honest I'm not interested in any of that.

So at the risk of sounding ungrateful, there's nothing I need for Christmas. One has let me choose and buy my own gift from him - a long sleeve, collared, bright pink running top. Other than that, there nothing on my list to Santa this year. Of course I have already had thoughtful and lovely gifts from students, colleagues, and family - and I'm sure I will be lucky enough to get a stocking on Christmas Day, and I am so thankful for all the wonderful things I have received and will receive. 

But the greatest gift from each of you, is yourselves.

Thinking back on my year, I've had lots of ups and downs, and recently lots of downs. I've been called "ugly and thick" and had my confidence and self-esteem battered. I've been told I can't do something (even though on Monday I will be doing it!), and I've generally felt lost and alone. However, despite one or two people who seem intent on just being horrible and demeaning, there are many more people in my life who make it bloody awesome.

The best gifts I have had this year aren't things you can buy in a store, it's the time and compassion that friends and family have shown me. The gift of friendship and companionship - because it is a gift, no one has to be my friend or has to do anything for me, no one owes me anything, yet each of you have gifted me your company. 

It's things like:

- coming over to make me a cup of tea and tuck me into bed (Emma)

- spending countless days wandering round the zoo, and riding the loser train (Karen)

- running through the forest with me in a moment of madness (Tom)

- finding a slot in a busy diary to have dinner with me (Ketch)

- letting me spend a day with you and your perfect puppies (Ad and Jen)

- not being embarrassed of me singing loudly in the garden centre (Amy)

- letting me spend all your 2p's on the arcades (Benjy)

- eating ice cream together after work (Y crew)

- going running with me and signing up to brutal (School friends)

- chatting to me every morning in my office (Bates)

- letting me come to your classroom for a hug and not asking why (Clarkson)

- making me a cuppa and letting me chat away on your sofa (Karen)

- making me a wooden medal holder from scratch (Dave)

- picking up my medication (Mum)

- texting me to see if I'm ok and to remind me I'm beautiful (Craig)

- skyping with me as often as possible and laughing a lot (Daniel)

- parkrunning with me even though I'm slow (Jim)

- snap chatting me when I'm feeling rubbish (Ollie)

- walking round winter wonderland even though it's actually a bit naff (Jake)

- letting me play duplo and read stories to the gorgeous boy (Naomi)

- laughing at my puppet shows (Elijah Bear)

- sending me a note to congratulate me on my MA (John) 

- chatting to me way past the end of your working day to see if I'm ok (nursey)

Things that you can't put in a stocking, things you can't put a price on. Things that seem so little and insignificant to you, but make me a happier, better, and more well person because of it. These are the gifts I want most of all; the pleasure and joy of your company (so many more of you I could mention!), unfortunately not all of my friends made it to the end of this year, and I would just love one more coffee or one more chat with them, but it's not possible to reclaim that time that is now lost. So please, continue to give me the greatest gift of all, your presence - and in return, I will try to be less Grinch-like.

Merry Christmas x

Have courage and be kind, always.

A quote from one of my favourite films, about one of my favourite female protagonists. Cinderella.

Poor old Cinderella was put through the mill wasn't she, with her Mum dying, and then her Dad. Leaving her as a young woman to live with her stepmother and step sisters. None of which were particularly nice people. 

However, despite this, she comes out on top. 

Whilst she was suffering and grieving, she was always kind to the people in her life. She did the chores without arguing back, she washed the clothes, she swept the chimneys. She took the abuse and tolerated the unkind words from the people she lived with. Not once did she kick off, argue, or run away. 

To many, Cinderella seems such a weakling. She should have just got up and gone, right? 

Probably; it might have helped her to grow and develop and find herself. It would certainly have changed her path and her future. Had she left, she may not have been the person that Prince Charming met, and fell in love with. She may not have become a princess. 

However, in my opinion, Cinderella isn't weak at all. She is strong and courageous. She faces adversity head on and without complaint. How often do we moan about things? Cinderella never moaned. How easy is it to be horrible to someone who is nasty to you? How often do we get in arguments? Did my dear Cinders? 

No. She did not. 

In life, we will come across people who upset us, sometimes accidentally, and sometimes deliberately. People you trust, might turn against you. Those who you love can easily become enemies. People will lie to you in life. People will say nasty things, will laugh at you, and will hurt you. Unfortunately, that is part of human nature and the ability to choose. 

There are, of course, people in the world who are kind. People who do care. People who love and support you. These people come in all shapes and sizes, and might not be who you expect. They might exist (as many of mine seem to do) in different time zones, they might be older or younger, they might be family, they might be colleagues, but they are there. 

You will easily learn to tell the difference between those who do and those who do not, and as a youth worker, perhaps I need to learn to take my own advice on that one. 

The way that you behave towards other people, builds up your personal brand and the way that others view you. If you upset someone, and they tell their friends about it, will you look good? Probably not. If you upset someone, and then apologise, then that shows strength in character. 

Of course it is not as straight forward here about what other people think of you, but more the impression that you leave in people. 

What is your personal legacy?

I'm not talking about who you choose to leave money to in your Will, but how you leave a person feeling. Feelings are very real, and powerful. We all have those interactions that leave us with good feelings, where we smile ear to ear and have butterflies in our tummies. We also have those feelings where someone has made you so upset that you feel sick, your tummy does flips and you can't help but cry. Which ones do you want to leave a person with?

It doesn't take much to smile at a stranger, have a chat with the shop assistant, say thank you to someone, or give a homeless person a hot chocolate. Our little actions can leave big impressions. These little actions can transform a persons day, or change their view of a whole group of people in society. It can restore faith in humanity.

Cinderella would be that person. She has her own "stuff" that she has been dealing with, but she is always kind.

So as you go about your daily lives, try to be more Cinderella than wicked step-mother. If someone is horrid to you, then smile. Turn the other cheek, and offer them a cup of tea.

Be the change you want to see in the world - Ghandi 

The curse of the digital era

Facebook.

Twitter.

Instagram.

Snapchat.

Messenger.

Just some of the things that give me grief on a daily basis. The Internet and digital technology is a wonderful thing, but one has to wonder if it is destroying an element of our human nature. 

Young people regularly come to me with screenshots on their iPhone 6, of conversations or insults over social media or text, or content that offends them. Unfortunately the digital revolution is not something I can protect young people from, the nature of the beast is that it is just too big. All I can do is educate and support young people, making sure that they use the Internet carefully, only post content that is befitting with their personal brand, and showing them how o report and set privacy settings. As a CEOP ambassador, I am particularly passionate about ensuring that young people stay safe online. I've trained young people, parents, teachers, youth worker, social workers, and police in some of the issues facing young people with digital technology today. 

The biggest issue, however, is one that no amount of training can solve.

Many young people find it hard to believe that our home computer was connected to the Internet by a wire, and that we had to dial up to get a connection. They struggle to appreciate that I didn't have a mobile phone as a child, and only had one when I was about 15; even then it was one of these bad boys:

I grew up in an interesting time, a cross over period between the digital era and Jurassic world (as my young people would have me beleive!). My mothers generation didn't have computers like I did, they didn't have access to the Internet, and they certainly didn't have mobile phones. Today we have children as young as 4 with tablet computers, the ability to access the Internet almost anywhere from a device as small as your hand, and 11year olds rocking an iPhone 6. When I was their age (goodness I sound old!), we were still scared of technology - we were waiting for the millennium bug to hit and crash the world, we were wary of mobile phones causing tumours, and my biggest issue as tripping on the cable that connected the computer to the phone line. 

Now don't get me wrong, I think digital technology is a wonderful thing and has its place. But what have we sacrificed for this? 

When I was 4, I loved playing with my big brother. In fact, until we were at secondary school, we used to spend all our time together - building dens, going to the park, playing in the garden. We went on day trips to the arboretum, or to a museum or swimming. We wrote diaries in the summer holidays, we played board games, and took it in turns to play Tetris on the retro yellow game boy. What do children this age get up to now, we'll probably so,e of the same stuff. But I have witnessed whole rooms of families sat in silence, each one on their own digital device. Tablets, iPads, laptops, phones. Children engrossed in playing games on a digital platform, and missing whole days of adventure with their friends. 

When we were kids, if we wanted to see our friends, we had to "call on them". A quirky phrase now,  but back then in the 90s and early 00s, we used to knock the doors of our friends and go around to see if they were in. I remember once trying to use walkie talkies with our friends over the road, but it was short lived as even they weren't great back then. But the premise of having to go and have a conversation in person with someone is something we seem to have lost - when it's so easy to just send a text now. 

What worries me, is the impact that these devices have on child development, and how that unfolds into adult life. Indeed, how has technology killed relationships? 

If good child development includes spending time and creative playing with peers, and increasingly children are interacting from behind a tablet, are they being deprived of social relationships and is it stunting their potential to grow. Are we breeding a nation of computer scientists, and losing our youth workers, our social workers, our "people people". When these jobs are dependant so heavily on positive relationships and being able to connect with people, if these skills aren't being maximised by current young people in a face to face environment, will we move to a totally digital age - online youth work as opposed to one to one sessions? Text counselling rather than face to face therapy? 

How does this pan out for the survival of the human race? 

One of my friends whom I see once a year, for one weekend, always has a pop at me for using my phone on camp. He insists that I "live in the moment" and tries to lock my phone away, or set rules that I can only use it a certain amount of times. I always protest, making excuses that "my love life depends on it" or "I need to get in my emails". When did I become so dependant on this device to rule my world? He is right, of course. We should be living in the real world and not the online world. When you have a beautiful girl in front of you, that is not the time to be scrolling through Facebook. When you're out with your friends, put the phone away and be with them. When you're taking a walk, breathe it all in and take in the sights and sounds - not the sight of your backlit phone and the sound of the ringtone! It is one of my pet hates when you're with someone and their phone is the most important thing in the room. 

What would happen if I didn't use it? Would I have to go back to "calling on someone", on the off chance they would be home? Without the Internet, would I rely on books and newspapers to update me - have I become lazy in my thirst for knowledge? As a child, I loved to read, and it's no secret now that I hate it. But is that my laziness, that rather then read a book I can find whatever I want at the touch of my fingertips? 

My obsessive checking of Facebook and Twitter, wastes ridiculous amounts of my time and achieves nothing except to pry into people's lives and make assumptions based on the information presented to me. I have become lazy in maintaining relationships! I should just call my friends, or go and visit them. Not depend on an app to tell me what is going on in their lives, and then "like" something to show my support. That's not support, that's a cheats way of being a friend. I waste my time getting het up when people post things that worry me, or upset me. When actually, I should just speak to them. But how much of my ability to have a face to face relationship is diminished due to my reliance on technology to do it for me? 

So, I make an urgent plea. 

Let's save the human race, let's build relationships on trust and honesty. Let's hold each other. Let's get our kids to play games, learn to be outdoors, and learn to be with others. Limit their time (and yours as a role model) with digital media and let's ensure they build personal skills. Talking to each other, laughing with each other. 

Put that phone down.  

October 10th

So, 10th October (yesterday) was world mental health day. A day that 10 years ago didn't bother me, I had no interest in, and I didn't care much about mental health. 

But now, mental health is incredibly important to me. This is my journey. 

When I was 19, I started my first set of anti depressants. I had never felt so worthless before in my life, and took myself to the doctor. I remember how stupid I felt, sitting in the doctors room, crying, and saying I just didn't feel happy. She prescribed me some medication there and then, and off I went. All was well, until I started to feel very low again. Back to the doctors and another set of anti depressants, and again until I was on my third different medication. 

Still something didn't sit right, and I was cycling between being fine for a period of time, so happy that I would go out all night and drive Jemima car (the mini of death) around country lanes as happy as anything. But then I would become very low, feeling like I hated myself and unable to get out of bed. This was all going on whilst I as at university, and I was referred on to some one else for further investigation as to why I was feeling so up and down. 

Well after much too-ing and fro-ing, I came out of the system a year later with a diagnosis of Bipolar Affective Disorder and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), and anti-psychotic medication. Anti-psychotic. Does that mean that aged 20 I was labelled a psycho and needed to be drugged to stop it from happening? 

Well no, of course not. But at that time, only 7 years ago, I only told one person other than my Mum, about my mental health. It was pretty bloody scary, being told you have a condition for which you need to take medication forever, but you can't see it, and so you don't know really if it's getting better or not. It's all very complex in mental health. 

But hasn't time changed. I'm now 27 and I'm not ashamed of my mental health. Ok so it's not the first thing I mention on a first date, but it's not something I feel I need to hide from the world. That's a credit to two things, firstly all of the positive media from time to change, which has changed people's perceptions of mental health, and secondly the big brave steps I have made in coming to live with myself and learning to love myself. 

Having a mental health condition doesn't define you as a person, it gives you a reason to fight. Being bipolar doesn't make me any less of a human being, but it does make me stronger and means that I have to become more resilient than other people. It has given me some of the worst times of my life, which I will not delve into here, but has also given me experiences that I use to empathise with young people going through similar issues in my work. 

Mental health conditions affect people in different ways, my bipolar is not the same as anyone else's, and that's half the trouble of trying to treat it. My doctor told me that she has to "treat the symptom" rather than the condition. One treatment doesn't fit all. 

My mental health is affected by triggers, usually if something goes drastically wrong in my life then it becomes a bigger deal than it should be, because where some people might feel a bit sad about something, I tend to feel it 100 times worse. Which leads to situations where I cannot get out of bed, or cannot eat properly, I can spend hours on end crying and to the untrained eye it's "for no reason". Telling me at this point to "cheer up" or "stop being silly" is like telling someone with a broken leg to get up and walk. It just doesn't work like that. 

There's things in my life that worry me about having a mental health condition. I've been advised by my doctor that if I want a baby I have to come off the medication, and that frightens me because I know how unwell I can be. I've also been advised that I'm more susceptible to post natal depression. So whilst I pretend that I don't want children, actually I'm scared of the consequences and the impact that my mental health could have on a child. I'm also acutely aware that my poor mental health has been the break down of more than one relationship in my life, am I destined to never have a serious relationship because of the unsure nature of living with a mental health condition? Who knows, but it does sting to see everyone around you having babies and getting married, and you can't help but wonder if the lack of this in your life is down to your mental health. 

The best thing you can do for someone who is suffering with a mental health condition, is just be there. I'm sure you have all seen the cartoon, but here is one of my favourite little messages:

It might not be easy to talk about feelings with people, I hate discussing mine with anyone, but there is something very comforting about human contact and human support. Humans have a need to be recognised, we are social beings and need others to ensure our survival. On more than one occasion I've had friends build me a nest, and got in it with me. Just to be there and make me feel like someone cares, which is ultimately one of the best treatments. Friends. 

Everyone deals with their mental health differently, for some it's medication and counselling, others might use exercise, or SAD lamps. However people treat it, is ok and personalised to that person. There is no right or wrong. For me, it's a combination of things but the biggest helps have been running and friendship.

So next time you hear about a friend who is feeling low, or you discover someone has a mental health condition, remember to treat them appropriately. Don't tell them to "get over it", or "stop being grumpy". Tell them that you are there for them, and that you care. The world is a much better place when it has love and compassion. 

I volunteer as tribute!

"Be the change you want to see in the world" - words once spoken, famously, by Ghandi. 

This week is National Volunteers Week, and I thought it appropriate to write some words about the impact and value of volunteering. Of course many of my readers will already be converted, but to those who aren't, read on!

I was brought up on volunteering, as part of my DofE and through the scouts, volunteering has always been important. Many of my friends can't understand why I would want to volunteer to work with young people, when in fact that is my career and I spend my full time work (plus 3 part time jobs), working with young people. 

The truth is, I can't get enough of it. 

For me, there is no greater feeling than that of helping others. Maybe I'm just wired that way, I can't do sports and I'm not particularly bright, but I have a big heart and want to save the world. 

This summer, I am taking 36 young people to Japan to the world scout jamboree. Whilst there they will be meeting other young people from all over the world, and taking part in cultural activities which will see them come home as changed people. These guys are awesome. I'm not even lying. After a crap week at work, sometimes the last thing I want to do is to go and pitch tents in the dark and get cold and wet for a weekend. But once I'm there, the young people know how to cheer me up. After making me a cup of coffee, drawing me some pictures of dogs and pretend boyfriends, they soon have me in fits of laughter. Not long after, they have ingeniously found a tennis ball and started a game of catch, using one of their prosthetic legs as a bat/catching cup. 

It's refreshing! 

It takes me out of the office and away from the stresses of life, no worrying about work or freaking out about my mid life crisis (yes it's hit me early!). 

On the flip side, as someone who runs youth clubs, I have first hand experience of the value of the volunteers who support me. 

I am extremely lucky to have a team of committed and dedicated volunteers who come every week to work with the young people in the club. They give up their own time to come and do something amazing, to make young people feel good and have someone to talk to, and to give parents some respite once a week. Those 3 hours a week can make all the difference to stressed parents, and frayed young people. Just to give them a space to grow and develop and try something different, can give them a new direction in life or a boost of confidence. 

Not only that, but they support me. I look forward every week to seeing my lovely volunteers with their smiley faces, and no matter what mood I am in they always seem to lift it. 

Volunteering can take many forms of course, and I know that there are lots and lots of wonderful people with different skills who help me out - administrators, chefs, first aiders... All skills that I do not possess. Others are craft queens, quiz masters, and sports heroes - again, skills that I do not own! 

Just to bust a myth as well, volunteers don't necessarily have lots of money or lots of time (though that would be a luxury), but they do have big hearts.

So whether you are a face to face volunteer youth worker, a scout leader, a guider, with the boys brigade or doing DofE, volunteering at a church or maybe with some older people.. Perhaps you are a trustee, or maybe you are musically minded, whatever it is you do. You do it well. 

You are making someone else smile. 

You are bringing joy to other people's lives. 

You are special. 

Thank you.