But now, mental health is incredibly important to me. This is my journey.
When I was 19, I started my first set of anti depressants. I had never felt so worthless before in my life, and took myself to the doctor. I remember how stupid I felt, sitting in the doctors room, crying, and saying I just didn't feel happy. She prescribed me some medication there and then, and off I went. All was well, until I started to feel very low again. Back to the doctors and another set of anti depressants, and again until I was on my third different medication.
Still something didn't sit right, and I was cycling between being fine for a period of time, so happy that I would go out all night and drive Jemima car (the mini of death) around country lanes as happy as anything. But then I would become very low, feeling like I hated myself and unable to get out of bed. This was all going on whilst I as at university, and I was referred on to some one else for further investigation as to why I was feeling so up and down.
Well after much too-ing and fro-ing, I came out of the system a year later with a diagnosis of Bipolar Affective Disorder and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), and anti-psychotic medication. Anti-psychotic. Does that mean that aged 20 I was labelled a psycho and needed to be drugged to stop it from happening?
Well no, of course not. But at that time, only 7 years ago, I only told one person other than my Mum, about my mental health. It was pretty bloody scary, being told you have a condition for which you need to take medication forever, but you can't see it, and so you don't know really if it's getting better or not. It's all very complex in mental health.
But hasn't time changed. I'm now 27 and I'm not ashamed of my mental health. Ok so it's not the first thing I mention on a first date, but it's not something I feel I need to hide from the world. That's a credit to two things, firstly all of the positive media from time to change, which has changed people's perceptions of mental health, and secondly the big brave steps I have made in coming to live with myself and learning to love myself.
Having a mental health condition doesn't define you as a person, it gives you a reason to fight. Being bipolar doesn't make me any less of a human being, but it does make me stronger and means that I have to become more resilient than other people. It has given me some of the worst times of my life, which I will not delve into here, but has also given me experiences that I use to empathise with young people going through similar issues in my work.
Mental health conditions affect people in different ways, my bipolar is not the same as anyone else's, and that's half the trouble of trying to treat it. My doctor told me that she has to "treat the symptom" rather than the condition. One treatment doesn't fit all.
My mental health is affected by triggers, usually if something goes drastically wrong in my life then it becomes a bigger deal than it should be, because where some people might feel a bit sad about something, I tend to feel it 100 times worse. Which leads to situations where I cannot get out of bed, or cannot eat properly, I can spend hours on end crying and to the untrained eye it's "for no reason". Telling me at this point to "cheer up" or "stop being silly" is like telling someone with a broken leg to get up and walk. It just doesn't work like that.
There's things in my life that worry me about having a mental health condition. I've been advised by my doctor that if I want a baby I have to come off the medication, and that frightens me because I know how unwell I can be. I've also been advised that I'm more susceptible to post natal depression. So whilst I pretend that I don't want children, actually I'm scared of the consequences and the impact that my mental health could have on a child. I'm also acutely aware that my poor mental health has been the break down of more than one relationship in my life, am I destined to never have a serious relationship because of the unsure nature of living with a mental health condition? Who knows, but it does sting to see everyone around you having babies and getting married, and you can't help but wonder if the lack of this in your life is down to your mental health.
The best thing you can do for someone who is suffering with a mental health condition, is just be there. I'm sure you have all seen the cartoon, but here is one of my favourite little messages:
It might not be easy to talk about feelings with people, I hate discussing mine with anyone, but there is something very comforting about human contact and human support. Humans have a need to be recognised, we are social beings and need others to ensure our survival. On more than one occasion I've had friends build me a nest, and got in it with me. Just to be there and make me feel like someone cares, which is ultimately one of the best treatments. Friends.
Everyone deals with their mental health differently, for some it's medication and counselling, others might use exercise, or SAD lamps. However people treat it, is ok and personalised to that person. There is no right or wrong. For me, it's a combination of things but the biggest helps have been running and friendship.
So next time you hear about a friend who is feeling low, or you discover someone has a mental health condition, remember to treat them appropriately. Don't tell them to "get over it", or "stop being grumpy". Tell them that you are there for them, and that you care. The world is a much better place when it has love and compassion.
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