Acceptance

Knowing that there are followers and people who read my blog, I am going to carefully choose some words for this thought provoking blog.

When you are a child, you look at the world through children's eyes, but now I am an adult I thought I would look at the world through adult eyes, however as I reflect back there are some things that can transform me back into being an 11 year old.

When I was 11, a major thing happened in my life, not like the normal 11yr old thing where you go to secondary school, but more the traumatising situation of losing a parent. That event happened 13 years ago today, and yet I can remember absolutely every detail like it was yesterday, I assume that this is one of the moments in life which you never forget.

I won't go into the detail, because I don't feel this is the appropriate forum to do so, but believe me, there are some things that any child should never have to experience and this is one of those. There are however small things that trigger memories, things that remind you of silly things and things that remind you of the person you loved and lost. One of the silliest and most notable for me is the Christmas lights that go up every year at the place where my Dad worked, he was some kind of electrician/worked for the MOD/not entirely sure, but one thing he did do was set Rudolph's red nose to flash, and since he has been gone it has not flashed again.

Anyway, this blog is not a self pity blog, but more of a statement of things getting better. Of course I will always miss my Daddy, and it hurts that he has missed out on so much of my life - graduation, boyfriends, scouts. However, the final stage of the grieving process is acceptance, and I have accepted that no amount of wishing will ever bring him back. But my wishing must have done something, all those shooting stars and birthday candles must have worked. All the saved up wishes when all I wanted was my Dad to be back with us, I eventually got something else. Not a replacement and not a new Dad. No one can replace the bond that a little girl has with her Daddy, especially not mine. Rather more I was blessed with strong family relationships with my granddad and my brother, as well as a very strong and special lady who has to play Mum and Dad all the time, she's really awesome. (Love you Mummy!)

Another blessing is the band of merry men who have affectionately become known as "Fi's adopted Dad's". What a truly special and wonderful thing, that I have been able to get to know some people who between them could easily run the world, and certainly hold a lot of knowledge. Some wonderful men who I believe genuinely care about me and always make the effort to spend time with me, be it 20 mins in a Starbucks in Soho, or sharing a train journey home, and sometimes even having dinner in a nice restaurant. How lucky I am to have been able to have found these wise men, (very apt at Christmas) who offer me all the things I need in just the right proportions: friendship, advice, careers guidance, relationship counselling, travel advice, laughter, hugs, and compassion. Not everyone in the world has the wonderful fortune of being able to have a team of fathers, and I feel very blessed I have these people in my life. It feels like the wishing was worth it, my prayers were heard, and my Daddy has found these people to look after me on earth, but he did always get me great presents :)

Look back and remember always those you loved and have lost, but don't forget to look up and to the future, and keep wishing because it might just come true one day.

God bless.