All you need is love (please, don't start that again)

Love. What even is it?

The internet tells me it is "a strong feeling of affection"

I've often wondered whether I have ever been in love, or if I just love things and people. 

I've tried looking for love, and it's bitten me in the ass. I've tried to be more lovable, but realised I can't change my personality that easily. I've tried loving but at the end of the day, someone always gets hurt. On my birthday this year, I boldly told my friend that I would clearly never be getting married, so was going to have an amazing 30th birthday party instead, with the money I would have spent on a wedding. She laughed at me and told me not to be so morbid.  

But maybe I'm looking at love all wrong. 

Sometimes in life, just when you think things are going the well, someone throws in a curveball just to make it harder. That's when you find out what love really is. 

Love isn't found in one person, if you invest everything in to just one person, and they screw you over, what else have you got? 

Love is all around you. It's in the friendships and relationships you have with the people you choose to connect with. Ok you might not be in love with them, but you sure as hell can love them and feel loved back. 

A drunk lady told me tonight that I was beautiful, and that whoever made me sad was not worthy (cue Thor reference that she didn't get!). She also told me that good friends are the most important things in life. She was right.

Friends are the people who truly love you, they choose to actively spend time with you and what do they get in return? - from me it's likely that I forget their birthday, don't text back, or get hangry when they're with me. But, they love me all the same. 

That's special. 

One of my favourite musicals has the quote "to love another person is to see the face of God". In which case, I am truly blessed. 

I have an incredible, diverse, strong, caring group of friends. They're just there. If I need something, they have it sorted. If I need to go and angrily smash a football against a fence, that's covered. If I need to smile, they know how. If I just need unconditional love, it's done. 

I have been very lucky in my life to have such incredible people around me, and whilst some are no longer here (and that really hurts), I reckon they've got my back and are looking down and keeping an eye. 

It's the little things, the text conversations at midnight, bringing me my favourite flowers (pink gerberas, by the way), sending me a copy of a book to read, maintaining a snap streak with me, getting in to my bed and watching girly films... All those tiny actions add up to a great big pile of love. 

And it's not just those people in my life, it's the younger ones too. Yes, I am famous for the phrase "I hate children", but that's just a cover up for something else (which is too sad to put on here - but please do ask in person if you're curious). I actually adore the small people. I had the best fun yesterday when I had the joy of bath time with a toddler, and having the opportunity to make him laugh by pretending to be scared of his book. He even knows my name and says it too. That for me is priceless. It's the slightly bigger small people as well, who whilst they have no belonging to me except in my professional world, have made comments "but I love Miss Durrant, she is my favourite" - well obviously - or the young person who has grown up into an adult, and tells you that you are like a parent to them (scary!) and you were the one consistent adult that made them get through some bad stuff. That's the real deal. I might not ever have my own children, but to care for any child is truly a gift. 

Love isn't like it is in the films, it isn't all princesses hanging around waiting for Prince Charming (who I am told is a douche anyway). Love is the feeling that someone out there cares enough to give you a portion of their life, for nothing in return (or indeed negative equity if you are one of my friends - sorry).

Love is when your brother drops everything to see if you're ok, your cousin snapchats you (because that's what you do when you're a teenager), your adopted family put aside time in their diary for you to just be there. That's what love is. 

So, my advice, stop looking for "the one" and start concentrating on "the many" as they are the ones who are going to be there no matter what, who accept you for your flaws (and I have many many flaws), and will stand by you til the end. 

Love is patient, love is kind. 

Love never fails. 

The greatest gift

I'm always late. I don't mean to be, it's just part of who I am. It's not because I am trying to be rude or offend you, it's because I ran out of time. 

It happens a lot, but the reason I ran out of time is because I was giving it to someone else who needed it more than me. 

Time is precious, and there is only ever a set amount of time:

525,600 minutes in a year

86,400 seconds in a day

700,800 hours in a lifetime (assuming you live to 80)

My day starts at 6am, I get to work for 7:15am, I get home at 9:15pm after working two jobs. Others have referred to me as "busy" before now. I don't think that is a bad thing.

Someone once told me that the more time you invest, the more you will get back. Well, that person was right (even though that person was so wrong about a lot of things, I still give him credit for being one of the best youth workers I ever had the pleasure of working with). I keep this mantra in my mind during my day, and do my best to invest my minutes where it matters. 

When you work in a people focused job, it makes sense to use your time with those people rather than sat blankly behind a computer at a desk. Of course, sometimes you do need to type up notes or write important documents, but often there are people who need that time more than your computer. I have had the joy of perfecting the art of time management over the last few years, and when I made the decision to go back to working in education it was twofold - one because I wanted to study for my MA, but one because I never saw enough of the people I was meant to be supporting before, and for a youth worker it is important that you actually get to work with young people. Ok so maybe I wasn't mentally prepared for what is considered a life threatening situation by an 11yr old (being called a peasant/ losing your water bottle/ forgetting your homework) but irrespective of the scale of the situation to me, for that young person it is potentially huge to them. 

What I love about my job is the constant flow of young people to chat to, and each year getting new ones to get to know. By spending a small amount of time regularly with a young person, they build up trust in you, and you can become their secure base (see other blogs!). I worked with someone who had not confided in any adults, but after nearly four years of my constant nurturing, that young person chose to confide in me, ok it wasn't what I wanted to hear, but the fact that they wanted to share their story was huge for them. I'm pleased to say that this young person in particular is now a well adjusted adult and making their own way in their very successful life - not because of me, but because I gave them time. Time to learn to trust adults, time to ask questions and get honest answers, time to get to know me and time to be recognised in their own right as someone of worth. 

People wonder why I spend so much of my life with young people - well when there are so many young people in the world who need that extra adult to talk to, it's impossible to just turn them away. The time you give that person is extremely precious - once that time has been given, you can never get it back. That's probably why I believe in working in a job that makes you happy, because ultimately a lot of your time is spent doing it - I'm very fortunate that in my job I can share my time with people who value it and need it. 

I work early and stay late to do the boring stuff, so that as much of my time as possible is available for those who want it. You cannot predict what will happen in a day, but to be prepared to give someone a quantity of your time is a good ethos to live by in my opinion. By giving time, you are showing that you care; you are proving that someone is of value and is deserving of your time. Yes sometimes we all get a bit rushed off our feet, but in the moments of quiet, it is a time to step back and reflect on the good things that have happened because you went that bit extra, you gave all that you had, and you got an outcome. 

People connect when you give them the chance to. So, forgive me for my lateness but I was trying to share my time with those who needed it - whether it was a 10 second chat with the checkout person, or a heart to heart with a friend, giving them something that is non returnable is the best gift of all, and can change a life. 

 Time is precious, make sure you are using it properly. Don't waste it. 

Love Wins

So as I woke up on Friday morning, I could hardly believe what I was reading. Britain had decided to leave the EU. I was feeling angry, betrayed, and let down by a government which I didn't vote for, and a result I didn't want. I cried and cried all the way to work, and then spent my morning dealing with young people who were heartbroken because they were scared of what will happen next, worried they would be deported, and simply devastated that the UK might not help people who need it from other countries. 

Without wanting to turn this into a strongly political blog (although those who know me will be well aware of my string viewpoints!), I simply could not believe that we as a country had allowed this to happen - scaremongering tactics being used which have made children feel unsafe. As a professional who works with young people, I am devastated by the effect that the political discourse has had on our young people. It is simply not right for them to feel scared in their own country for fear of deportation. The United Nations convention on the rights of the child states such that children have a right to be protected from discrimination, a right to their identity, and a right to have their views taken seriously if a decision affects them (as a side point, at what age should a young person therefore vote?). 

I travelled to London on Saturday, and as I walked past Westminster I was deeply saddened, wondering if they knew the hurt that some of our young people are feeling. What saddens me more is that I can offer no words of comfort to them about their futures, about whether they will need visas or citizenship, because I simply do not know the answers, and I don't think anyone does. 

However, later in the day I was privileged to be able to be a part of the parade at Pride. I can honestly say my faith in humanity was somewhat restored by this event - yes there were protesters however a small minority in a sea of people. Yesterday, London came together to show unity, equality, and respect. For me, Pride is about showing the world what a great diverse nation we are, and that we respect and support each other's differences. I stood alongside friends who I knew had personally battled with their sexuality or gender, for fear of repercussion. It should not be the case that anyone fears being themself for any reason. I am extremely proud of my friends who have the courage to be themselves in a world that can be brutal. 

In a world where Brexit has divided the country, and a small marginalised group of people have hijacked the leave campaign and had the dominant discourse around "kicking people out of the country" - let's remember that the majority of people in the UK are tolerant, supportive, and decent humans. Let's not let those narrow minded people cause our future generation to feel scared and unsafe - let's remind the young people that we work with that one of the greatest human emotions is love, and let's teach that to those we come into contact with. Yes some people are unhappy with the outcome of the referendum, I sure enough am gutted. However, what's important is that we do not let this ruin our communities, it is our duty to ensure that young people feel safe no matter what their beliefs, culture, or sexuality. It's important that we teach them that Love Wins, and in doing so we create a positive culture for the future, with more accepting and diverse communities than ever before. 

Happy care giver attachments day....

Today as I scroll down my Facebook feed, I'm inundated with photos of my friends and their fathers, or their children and their daddies. It's a lovely sight, although it tinges me with sadness and jealousy - I lost my Dad when I was 11, but in those 11 years he was pretty much the perfect ideal of a Dad and exactly what I would want my hypothetical children to have for their hypothetical father (note - I'm not having children). 

My Dad was kind, funny, silly, gentle. He was a proper "manly man" with a love for fixing things, motorbikes, cars, cooking up a BBQ, and carrying me high on his shoulders. I was most certainly a "Daddy's little princess" and spoilt with his time, love, and happiness. 

It pains me to realise that my Dad has missed, and indeed will miss, important milestones in my life: passing my driving test, grilling over my boyfriends, graduation (x2!), birthdays, marriage, first dog...

It actually breaks my heart when I think of the wedding day that I have always dreamed of (which girl hasn't!) and know that it would be one of the most difficult and hurt filled days because my Dad will never be there to walk me down the aisle. 

Missing out on my Dad in my teenage and young adult years was tough, and whilst no one can replace him or fill that hole in my heart, there have been some amazing people in my life who have made me feel loved and special, and who have celebrated those milestones with me. These are my attachment figures whom I am dedicating Father's Day to each year. 

When we are born, we build attachments with the key care givers in our lives - usually Mum is the main attachment figure that a child has. This is related to the child recognising and learning that this figure will provide comfort for them - there was an experiment with monkeys in the 1950s where the monkeys attached themselves to fake mothers (machines) that provided food for them. There are numerous experiments that show different types of attachment that children have, some positive, some ambivalent, some poor. The underlying key to a positive attachment is that the person provides care and that the child learns that and can be soothed by that person. Attachment behaviours are where a person attains or maintains proximity to another identified individual, whom they perceive as being better able to cope with the world and therefore becomes their secure base.

There are many theories related to attachment and social bonds; attachment can be considered as an affectional bond, which is not synonymous with a relationship as relationships are seen as more transitory and bonds are characteristic of a person and linked to their internal organisation. There is an argument that professionals can be seen as attachment figures, and Ainsworth describes these as emerging attachments - they may become consolidated however in a professional context, the relationship may be of short duration so the young person may not fully attach - although if someone spends significant amount of time in a care giving context with a child they may become their main attachment figure - for the bond is formed through care giving. 

With this in mind, I am very fortunate to have a number of care givers in my life who have helped me through very difficult times and have been there celebrating the highs with me along the way. Some of these people come and go in life, but there are a few who remain as constant people, who you spend a large amount of time with or a small amount of time - it doesn't matter all that matters is that they care. One example in my mind is someone who I have known for nearly 6 years, who treats me with kindness and thoughtfulness - spending time with me when I need it, offering careers advice, sending reminders and congratulations when I do something well,  the kind of person who just cares about me and makes me feel loved, valued, and unique. These are the ones you should hold on to. 

It massively sucks not having my actual Dad here every Father's Day, but I am so truly blessed to have so many other people watching out for me and looking over me. People wonder why I do the work I do, particularly after very difficult days, and why I get so stressed and worried about my young people - well it's because I care. Some young people unfortunately do not have caring adults in their lives, and for those individuals if I can be the person that cares about them and enables them to feel wanted and special, then surely I have done my job right. It costs nothing to ask someone how their day has been, or to share your lunch with someone. It takes nothing but time to listen to someone, to potentially change their outlook on themself and their life. 

You may not feel important to the world, but to one person you could be their world - you could be their secure base. 

Hold on to that, it's a real privilege to be that person. 

Challenge Yourself...

"I'm not built for adventure" is one of my most famous sayings among my friends. Used first in Snowdonia, when trying to climb down the Devil's Kitchen:





Used again time after time when my friends have pushed me outside of my comfort zone, whether it is being dangled by a rope at Calshot, made to go hiking across the lotchenpass glacier, or forced to drive a rib on the Solent (next to a bloody big cruise ship!). I am famous for excusing myself from being brilliant at adventure.

It's not that I don't enjoy the outdoors, or the element of risk and challenge - because trust me, I do. The problem is that I can never live up to those around me. I grew up in the shadow of this:



That's my brother.

Yes I do bang on about him a lot, but he actually is pretty cool. Which is coincidentally, why I am not!

My darling brother was a county level athlete at school for high jump and for running. He owned a pair of running spikes - he was pretty serious. He also made a name for himself in the world of kayaking - I remember watching him compete at the Outdoors Show (back in 2006!) and being genuinely terrified he would die. Since then he has competed in world competitions for his sport. He completed a BTEC in Outdoor Sport, worked at Sparsholt College, earned a BA Hons in Watersport Management, and coached some of the best paddlers in Ireland.

I really had no hope.

When we were younger, we used to take part in the scout kayak regatta - the only "sporty" thing that I ever won anything in - the doubles! My brother would go at the back and steer, and tell me to "just paddle as fast as you can" and undoubtedly we would always win that race. It has always been one of my favourite memories of my brother and I, because he treated me like a sporty person, even though I was as nerdy as they come.

Aside from my brother, I happen to spend a lot of time with "Alphas".

"The dominant male"

Most of my friends are alpha men. My brother is an alpha man. They gather together in alpha clusters, talking about things like climbing rope, their big audi engines, and welding things out of pure metal. They are strong, powerful, admirable. The kind of men that you want to be around when things go wrong as you get the feeling that they would protect you.

The downside of this, is of course, that they are naturally much better at anything outdoors than I am. They are better climbers, they are faster paddlers, they are stronger runners (except Dave, with his broken knees...)

(Sidenote: One example of this "Alpha Male-ism", I have just checked the weather for the weekend, it is due to rain - so the Alpha tells me "no such thing as bad weather, only unsuitable clothing" - typical Alpha response...)

So why on earth do I end up comparing myself to them?!

I hated taking part in sport as a child because I knew I would never be as good as my brother, and I hated the thought of losing or being bad at something. So I never tried. I failed to challenge myself in a bid to ensure safety and remaining in my nerdy little comfort zone (surrounded by books).

What I should have been doing, is challenging myself  and comparing myself only by my standards.

Once I took some young people away for some adventurous activities - we took them on the 3G swing. The competition between them was fierce - one belittling another who didn't want to go to the top of the swing, saying "you ONLY went 50%" - what they should have been saying was "amazing, well done - I saw that you were worried about that and you went half way - that's fantastic"

We should encourage people to reach THEIR goals. Not to judge themselves by other people's standards. If we do that then we will never be happy. (I'm almost certainly never going to look like Kylie Minogue, so should give up and just look like the best me that I can!)

I smashed a 10k last week in 57:35, but I wasn't happy with my time because someone else did it in under 50 minutes. How insane is that!? 5 months ago I couldn't run for a bus, so I should be delighted that I can even run 10k without stopping.

If in your life, there are people who are saying "yea, but".... "you ONLY did this...".... my advice is to bin them off.

Do not get sucked in to believing you are not good enough.

Get out of that comfort zone.

Set a goal.

Meet it.

Set another one.

Challenge YOURSELF.

How running saved my life....

Ok let's rewind a bit.... 2013, I was diagnosed with Familial Hypercholesterolaemia - that's high cholesterol to you and me. I went to the doctors because I wasn't feeling well and they wanted to rule out Thyroid (great thyroid issues on Mum's side of the family) so they took a load of blood, and then got me back to say I had a cholesterol of 8. "Great, 8 out of 10 is ok yea?"

Nope. They don't measure it like that. I had the cholesterol "of a 70 year old man" and this one was thanks to my Dad's inherited good looks, charm, wit, and crap heart and blood. Unfortunately, Dad died when he was 38 from heart disease that was undiagnosed, so naturally I was a tad worried about death at this point. I was told to try and reduce it by exercise and healthy eating, so I gave running a punt. I hated PE at school, being as sporty as a brick and with a brother who mastered every sport going - competing in all kinds of competitions (world class now!). My lovely friend Ketch was very supportive and encouraging, and dragged me on the most painful bike ride of my life - not been on a bike since. I quite enjoyed running, but then they gave me some statins to take my cholesterol down, so I gave up with it as I didn't need to bother anymore. 

In 2014 I had another blast at it, and entered the Pretty Muddy race for life - Ketch came to watch in the pissing rain and lightening storm, and insisted I got dunked as I wasn't muddy enough. I was pretty happy that I survived to be honest. Later on that year I did the colour run in southampton with Batesy, but I never really bothered to run in between and wish I had. I then didn't put on my trainers for a year.

I talked about running with great fondness, like a relationship that I wanted back. Jon set one of my Emlyn goals to be to run a 10k - I wanted 5 but he wasn't having it. 

In October 2015 my gorgeous friend passed away, and I was devastated. I knew she was dying as she has an aggressive brain tumour, and I had cried and cried for months prior to her passing. On the day I remember going home and just getting into bed and sobbing my heart out. 

At this point, I was all set to dive into my usual pre Christmas depressive period, being one of those that struggles with SAD (on top of the BAD). But I didn't. I dug out my pink trainers and went for a little jog. 

I couldn't breathe, and had to keep stopping along the way. I think I managed about 3k in 25 mins. I was horrified. I was enormously overweight and hated my body, hated that my top kept riding up and that my flabby belly was bouncing all over the place. Friends suggested I went to parkrun, but I daren't because I didn't want people to see me. 

I started to find solace in running, and my OCD took over. Graphs and charts, personal bests. It started to get exciting, and I could plug in and listen to music, blocking out the world. I ran with some others at times, some people who were great partners and very supportive, others whom I'm ok without running with again. I decided whilst bored at work that I would run to raise money for the hospice that Amanda was in, because she loved to run. 

I picked 3 events, ones that I thought she would have approved of. The run for chocolate, the Santa run, and brutal. Luckily for me I have some epic friends who joined in, and the chocolate run was ably supported by the HSX ladies and Euan, who has been an inspiration to me. The Santa run saw me paint my face green on promise of making £400... So I went as the Grinch and again was pleased to see Euan in his Santa getup complete with sleigh. Mum came to watch and wasn't impressed that I ran so fast she didn't have time to get a coffee... I had told her I would take it slow, having been to the forest and ran a 10k with Tom the day before (we got stuck in the bog at the back of Ferny Crofts - I have never laughed and screamed so much!). I was desperate to try out my new trail shoes that I had bought in Dublin the day before - my super sporty brother and his super sporty girlfriend took me shopping and expertly kitted me out. 

So then was the big one. Brutal. 

Now, one thing you've should know about me is that I am a stubborn old cow, and no one tells me I can't do something. I had a Drama teacher who said I was crap at Drama and wouldn't get more than a C at GCSE - well, an A*, A at a-level, and 2:1 at degree level say different. So when someone tells me I can't do something, I make it my mission and revenge to prove a point. But I was nervous and anxious. Luckily, some brace souls from work joined me, the fab Emma, Jim, and Mary, and spouses! When we pulled in to the car park I thought I was going to be sick. All these super fit (gorgeous) men around, and me looking like a reject from Fame with my bright pink kit. But I strapped on the GoPro and gave it my best shot.... I screamed, I laughed, I bitched about the "waist deep water" (boob deep!!). I had the best time running that has ever been humanly possible. My time wasn't amazing, I stank and my poor charity vest is now stained brown from the mud. But I did it. I achieved something that I never thought possible, and I didn't give up. 

This week, I ran my longest distance to date (12k) with the ginger boy, (I claim I'm his personal trainer as he is training with the OTC); I got a new PB at parkrun; I got a sub 30 5k; oh and I achieved an Emlyn goal with my first ever 10k event. 

I ache.

I'm in pain. 

But my emotional wellbeing has never been better! 

They tell you that exercise releases positive endorphins and all that rubbish, but for me it is about beating myself at my own race, and proving that I'm good enough. I've lost 1st 5lb, I've got fitter and can actually have a conversation when I run now, but most importantly, I have survived my usual SAD dip. It was all on point to end up as it so usually does, with me feeling worthless, stupid, ugly, useless. All the planets had aligned to deal me that card. But I gave them all a two finger salute and did this for me and for Amanda. 

I've still got a way to go, great south run is 16km so I need to start upping my distances... But the journey so far has been bloody fantastic. Euan, Tom, Tilly, Rosemary, Clare, Emma, Emma, Jim, Mary, Steph, Gav....you all rock. You inspire and motivate me, and have kept me sane and as well as possible. I've had some bad days, but who doesn't! I'd lost my confidence, my happiness, and my waist...and now those things are all back thanks to the support of my friends and the motivation to "just keep going". 

Over £500 has been raised in memory of my gorgeous Amanda, and I've had some laughs doing it. Here's to a year of running and driving people up the wall with my irritating posts, sarcastic vlogs, and downright awesome iMovies. 

www.justgiving.com/RunFi  

Present, not presents

So, I'm the first to admit I hate Christmas. Nothing to do with the actual holiday itself, but it's not a good time of year for me - unfortunately my dear Dad passed away during December 1999, and since then the holiday season has always been hard for me. So when someone asks "what would you like for Christmas?", the truth is, I want one more day with my Dad. But I know I can't have that.

As I've got older, I've become much less materialistic - I don't really own much and certainly nothing of monetary value. My top three possessions are my Fitbit, my water bottle, and my ancient phone full of photographs. I don't have a flashy car or the latest iPhone, I don't own a decent camera, and to be honest I'm not interested in any of that.

So at the risk of sounding ungrateful, there's nothing I need for Christmas. One has let me choose and buy my own gift from him - a long sleeve, collared, bright pink running top. Other than that, there nothing on my list to Santa this year. Of course I have already had thoughtful and lovely gifts from students, colleagues, and family - and I'm sure I will be lucky enough to get a stocking on Christmas Day, and I am so thankful for all the wonderful things I have received and will receive. 

But the greatest gift from each of you, is yourselves.

Thinking back on my year, I've had lots of ups and downs, and recently lots of downs. I've been called "ugly and thick" and had my confidence and self-esteem battered. I've been told I can't do something (even though on Monday I will be doing it!), and I've generally felt lost and alone. However, despite one or two people who seem intent on just being horrible and demeaning, there are many more people in my life who make it bloody awesome.

The best gifts I have had this year aren't things you can buy in a store, it's the time and compassion that friends and family have shown me. The gift of friendship and companionship - because it is a gift, no one has to be my friend or has to do anything for me, no one owes me anything, yet each of you have gifted me your company. 

It's things like:

- coming over to make me a cup of tea and tuck me into bed (Emma)

- spending countless days wandering round the zoo, and riding the loser train (Karen)

- running through the forest with me in a moment of madness (Tom)

- finding a slot in a busy diary to have dinner with me (Ketch)

- letting me spend a day with you and your perfect puppies (Ad and Jen)

- not being embarrassed of me singing loudly in the garden centre (Amy)

- letting me spend all your 2p's on the arcades (Benjy)

- eating ice cream together after work (Y crew)

- going running with me and signing up to brutal (School friends)

- chatting to me every morning in my office (Bates)

- letting me come to your classroom for a hug and not asking why (Clarkson)

- making me a cuppa and letting me chat away on your sofa (Karen)

- making me a wooden medal holder from scratch (Dave)

- picking up my medication (Mum)

- texting me to see if I'm ok and to remind me I'm beautiful (Craig)

- skyping with me as often as possible and laughing a lot (Daniel)

- parkrunning with me even though I'm slow (Jim)

- snap chatting me when I'm feeling rubbish (Ollie)

- walking round winter wonderland even though it's actually a bit naff (Jake)

- letting me play duplo and read stories to the gorgeous boy (Naomi)

- laughing at my puppet shows (Elijah Bear)

- sending me a note to congratulate me on my MA (John) 

- chatting to me way past the end of your working day to see if I'm ok (nursey)

Things that you can't put in a stocking, things you can't put a price on. Things that seem so little and insignificant to you, but make me a happier, better, and more well person because of it. These are the gifts I want most of all; the pleasure and joy of your company (so many more of you I could mention!), unfortunately not all of my friends made it to the end of this year, and I would just love one more coffee or one more chat with them, but it's not possible to reclaim that time that is now lost. So please, continue to give me the greatest gift of all, your presence - and in return, I will try to be less Grinch-like.

Merry Christmas x